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I've received my Illinois Cannabis Card since, but this was written prior.

Welcome, and Thank You for visiting. Just so everyone realizes (as you can tell) I'm far from a professional writer, so please try and make sense of my scribbles.

The reason I'm starting this website is I want to give, show HOPE to people. Eventually, we'll see but I'd like for it to become an information hub. I see a lot of hate going around so I'm not sure what many will end up thinking about me but despite that I feel everyone should know and see for themselves. Don't just believe the fear mongering that might still go on. ..Do Your Own Research! It has been a rough 14 years and I'm nowhere close to being finished. Actually, it is now starting to feel like a downhill stroll instead of an uphill climb, It has been mostly Kasia (my coach/assistant/caregiver/ therapist) and I for the last 2 years. I'm an extremely lucky person to have crossed her path. She is responsible for fine tuning my recovery and she is also partially responsible for coaching me into the great condition I am in and so much more. The first 13 years were extremely difficult (it was always 1 step forward and then immediately 2 steps back) while moving at a snails pace. At first, I thought its impossible for me to be the only person to ever have these feelings, but since no one is suggesting or hinting it still after 14 years, I'm not so sure now. Then 3 summers ago , I had cannabis for the first time post stroke. I'm not sure what exactly happened to my brain when I had my stroke, but if a door was left open it is now somehow helping me get back on my feet.

My muscles although paralyzed on my right side suddenly feel alive and the sensation I feel is just incredible, especially on my weak side. I could not justifiably describe it to you. There are variations dependent on strain and the body sensations take on a whole new level when weight bearing or exercising. (but the muscles tingle, feel as if they are boiling or bubbling over the healthy muscles)to make a long story short my body definitely makes me aware that it is feeding when I medicate This is all with black market Cannabis I feel sensations, vibrations on my entire right side, the front of my face, my tongue and scattered throughout my left side but to a much, much lesser degree. I would use cannabis before workouts to loosen up my muscles (and the wilder the sensations were, the better my balance seemed). Slowly I started to notice that things were becoming easier to do at a faster pace and I was able to feel and control muscles that I previously had no control or feeling over. Today I'm seeing major improvements from exercise to exercise, Instead of months going by before I noticed a slight change. This is going to sound crazy, but It's as if Cannabis is holding my abilities hostage and is releasing them when it feels I have earned them. Now do not misunderstand me the addition of cannabis did not make things easy, nor was it the only thing that got me to this point. I had to put in just as much effort as I had to put in the first 13 years, the difference now is that all my hard work gets rewarded with results. Every addition I have made dramatically improved the previous method. The addition of cannabis is speeding everything up twice as fast. Finally, things are becoming easier Not only am I experiencing the physical gains but it has slowed down or eliminated my nystagmus (although only for a couple of minutes).. It has shown to improve my ability to swallow, It improves my speech (clarity and strength)). Certain strains make me ultra flexible., Certain strains make me more sensitive than others. It Drastically affects my body temperature (making medicating highly uncomfortable at times, especially in the cold months). Every single ability that I have lost seems to be held by Cannabis. But if the right strains aren't used, Cannabis can also make things worse, like speed up my nystagmus (more often than not), make it more difficult to talk, make it harder to walk, etc..

I really, really debated over whether or not to even mention this, especially now - since I'm so close to having consistent relief, but this site is about HOPE and this has been a crutch of mine for so long. I use to blame myself (in the beginning) for having these issues thinking it was my fault for thinking the way I was and always being to freaking embarrassed in the past to admit or seek help. So what happens,happens... I think most people who knew me thought I was probably shy, quiet but different. Although all probably true, I had other issues as well,

For the first time in my life, I felt what it is like to be anxiety free (or close to it), and it was also one of the few times I've been truly happy. (not that it matters to anyone) It literally felt like walking into another world. Automatically, in addition, I felt brighter (smarter), sharper, full of confidence, focus, no concentration problems, It was easier for me to talk (people who know me, will understand).I was happy living my life. These were not subtle characteristics but very convincing These additional feelings seem to come in varying degrees depending how strong the anxiety relief is or just the strain characteristics (I don't know) With the right cannabis I have no anxiety-(pretty much) I'm sensible, I can think having anxiety is freaking silly (that's stating it nicely), I don't understand how I could let my issues bother me so much and now they seem so little to me, I can totally deal with it then I have the wrong cannabis or no cannabis and it is like someone turned off the lights (for me), everything I thought the day before (all that sensible stuff) now non-existent. And I'm aware of this, but knowing that doesn't seem to help me. I'm back to also being indecisive, procrastinating everything, having concentration issues etc.. I hate to use the term anxiety because I feel it's a broad term and I feel that I might be overusing the term(anxiety this, anxiety that but it's controlled and still tries to control so much of my life). Seems a bit broad to me since half my issues don't seem to be anxiety related, but they disappear together, though. But feeling what it is like to be free of anxiety (or close enough to it), I Do Not expect the majority of people even family to understand just how powerful and controlling it can be to some . When I say control, I don;t mean over my emotions but my daily life, decisions, choices.

I have had a social type of anxiety since I can remember but never being strong enough to beat it or allow someone to help me deal with it, Post-stroke My existing anxiety got worse and I Now have additional or stronger issues If you happen to see me busting a tear, on occasion, just ignore it because a sad something came across my mind or my anxiety happens to be stronger then my emotions can hold. To top things off I No Longer have any control over my emotions, at least over sadness and tears. (telling me to calm down , just feeds the fire). But, I now have hope that one day I'll beat that- NevrLoseHope. I don't seem to have the same problem with laughter... anyways... So think of me what you may, that’s not going to bother me...Honestly, I don't know if all my issues are anxiety related or I just have a plethora of issues? Probably the latter, but I now know they are repairable and that gives me HOPE , that is all I need and that is all that matters to me I don't know, I was only a recreational/casual smoker back when I was healthy, so I don't have much experience. I never had this type of relief or feeling or body high from cannabis before, so perhaps I got overly excited but seeing how difficult it seems to legalize..and..I'm starting to get confused...never mind but I will just say one thing, Cannabis gave me hope, it has allowed thousands of others to deal with pain and hundreds of other ailments. It has saved people's lives. It has given 1000's of children and parents new hope, a glimmer of joy, finally some relief, Have some COMPASSION for us as well...Who knows the possibilities? Cannabis just might save your ass one day! (no offense intended to anyone)

Anyways Additions that showed drastic positive changes Patience:

or is it Anxiety -one helps the other out none the less, constantly relearning the meaning of Patience Already doing


Many, many hours and millions of steps


Each Strain has it's own specific qualities Nutrition: the switch from dietary supplements to natural foods for me (must have a dedicated person for this- in my case- my opinion)

Between my Mom and Kasia, this is a non-worry for me.

In my case a good blender was important (as I have a g-tube)

With a good blender, you can blend just about anything to fit through a g-tube opening, fruits, vegetables, soft meats, cooked meats, meals, etc.

Acupuncture Originally went to help try to deal with Anxiety, just happened to reap the benefits.

Been going once a week for over a year now.

done when I was medicating with cannabis already.

Cannabis is also used before every session. Helps me fully relax. and well, it seems to be helping in its own ways, just like every other addition

the first time I tried acupuncture, I did not feel it working and discontinued

this time around it was like hitting the fast forward button, immediately after my first session. First couple or few sessions, had very similar experiences.

My Personal opinion and no one can or will convince me otherwise, based on my experience Cannabis and acupuncture is a match made in heaven, for me.

Professional massages:

deep body type.

I use Cannabis before every session

I go once a week for a professional massage but also normally get a daily light massage to start things off

(significantly helps before and after but I find it more beneficial before).

All exercise and stretching are done with the addition of Cannabis. I must be doing something right because I'm making progress faster than I ever have and this is 15 years later. Not to mention 15 years ago I wasn't predicted to do a fraction of what I can do today.

If I knew about this from the very beginning then I would at least be in my current condition 7 years ago but perhaps who knows the reality Anyways Thank You Cannabis for helping me start a new life . And Thank You to my Family and Kasia as well as all my previous caregivers,(you're all family to me) for everything you all have done so far and continue to do .P.S.-I can't go back in time, but I can avoid making the same mistakes twice. In the past, I tried to keep my anxiety from everyone, thinking it will eventually go away, I thought I'd grow out of it, I thought that if I force myself into dealing with it then the feelings will eventually go away but instead they just became different.(Yet I still kept forcing myself to deal with my issues, with the hope that it would get better one day). At times, I don't know what I was really thinking, (I even tried to start a small business, A decision I just can't understand (which I believe helped land me in my current situation)., but you can't go back in time, unfortunately. I always had trouble accepting who I was, (perhaps that had something to do with it) but with the help of Cannabis (as corny as it may sound), I'm slowly learning to love myself and beginning to open my eyes. I haven't always made the best decisions but perhaps by venting about my anxiety issue's, I not only ultimately helped myself but someone else as well, somehow (NevrLoseHope). As much as I despise my anxiety and think about all the problems it has caused me and continues to cause, my love of life has and always will be far's just my life I'm still working on, but the glass is starting to fill. You don't get many 2nd chances at anything, although late to the party, This is mine....NevrLoseHope PS(x2) Everything written in this post has been while Medicated w/THC so I waive any and all responsibility to anything and everything...oh...and I have a feeling that I found my fountain of youth also! Random thoughts, -

-My stroke was a blessing in disguise. My body decided for me that enough was enough. Unfortunately, I could not. -I'm dependent in a sober state, mentally. My brain is like a base model when I am sober and cannabis strains are upgrades... not all. -It was easier to pretend everything was OK then to admit and live in reality.

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