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Thinking Out Loud 6


I'm going to start regularly posting on this blog. I often feel like expressing myself but have trouble at times doing it and I resort to just talking to myself and then even answering. In the past I have always been a rather closed individual and have gotten used to being that way. Hopefully this will help me open up as I've made it my mission to improve and change my past habits.

Physically I'm 42 but often feel as if I'm in my 20's when around others but feel older when alone. I haven't quite figured out why that is exactly. I'm sure it has something to do with not speaking around others... as when I was in my twenties I was often silent because of my abnormal amounts of anxiety. I would love to say that I'm finally over my anxiety as I view it very differently now but honestly I just don't know as it's difficult to open up. Not only because I have a speech impairment but also because of physical damage to my mouth, that apparently others would explain as if I didn't know my own body. Anyways I could go on and on about my mouth as it has been getting worse for over 18 years but having a brain injury in the past and recovering, I've figured out how certain things work.

Another reason I am going to start blogging is no one seems to take me seriously or that's my impression. I have to create my own hope as others say they have hope for me, which I'm sure they do, we just disagree on what hope means. My definition tends to be more advanced and they look at it differently or realistically. Or in other words they perhaps don't believe in me as much as I believe in myself.

Writing this post could one day haunt me but it's what my instinct is telling me to do and in God I trust.


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